Geez…the time is flying and I’m glad I’m progressing, even though technical challenges make it seem otherwise. Lost an entire piece while editing….(where did it go?) …tried my hand at trying to scale photos into a collage….not quite the result I wanted..but I tried. But on the good side of things I finally, finally, was able to sit for 15 minutes without a twitch! You may laugh but for me that’s one giant leap! My Dream board is slowly evolving. I had to get a fold up travel one because I’m often away house/pet sitting and even though this week I could cause my clients nightmares if they came home to things posted all over the house, I’m having more fun! This week I found a pack of multicolor avery labels as I was packing and brought them with me. I cut out the shapes…yellow squares, green triangles, red circles and blue rectangles from the brightly colored labels until I had a small sandwich bag half full of these little sticker tapes and used them to tape up the gal in the mirror, notes to self on the edge of my pc, to do lists, grocery list, and stuck some in various places that I would run across during mundane tasks. There’s one in my overnight bag, one on the deodorant container, my wallet, etc; I don’t have a printer here so I have had to trace the printed shapes from last week and color them in with the colored CRAYOLA pencils. I have found 5 different versions of Star Trek Theme music which I keep playing in the background during chores and while dressing for the day. It keeps me connected to my DMP while I’m not reading it along. I can still hear it in my head. I opened up my clients’ cupboard and picked a random coffee cup out and it said Hawaii. My daughter dropped in for Shabbat dinner tonight and my positivism remained even when she made a comment that I might have responded to last week. But my thought didn’t last 2 seconds before I silently thought ” I love you” and of all things she put on for us to watch after dinner was Illuminations SING, a cartoon movie. How appropriate! It’s about a bunch of singing animals who try out for a singing contest at a theater on the verge of collapse. One particular elephant is unsure of herself until she opens up. That’s me and my DMP! I had stopped singing years ago and didn’t know I even wanted to sing again until MKE. Although I’m not quite as professional as in the past, I’m enjoying it! And even if it just remains a joyful past time, it has freed me up to feel again and now my creativity is stirred! Ideas are keeping me up at night! I took a big leap and went on LinkedIn and changed my profile so people know that I have a non-profit underway to raise money (how? idk) for under insured who seek holistic care for cancer that providers don’t pay for. It’s part of my dmp. I was typing it all in and at the same time wondering why I stepped out this soon and who was I going to collaborate with and who will help? etc etc; but the more I step out the more people show up in my life, even if it’s to put on a crazy cartoon for the universe to remind me that I am right where I belong at this time in my life doing just what I’m supposed to be doing.
“YET I WILL WELCOME OBSTACLES FOR THEY ARE MY CHALLENGE”
Week 6, the week that was supposed to get “easier” . Not for me. My comfort was in knowing from OG that I would call obstacles “challenges” which is what I prefer to call the physical woes that have prescribed names which I will not tolerate being placed upon me any longer. They reared their ugly dragon heads this week, yet I choose to be the dragon slayer. This week, however, my sword was rather dull. I may have, in retrospect, even failed.
” I WILL LOVE THE FAILURES FOR THEY WILL TEACH ME”
I will learn. I will keep my compass ever leading me in the right direction and even though the destination looks far off this week, I will prevail. I will embrace the failures and challenges, and call the embracing of them VICTORIES!
The other day when I was in between one appointment and another, trying to decide what to do with only a few minutes time and wishing I were home working on my MKE goals, I was drawn to take shelter from the cold for a matter of moments in World Market as I had neither time to go home just to turn around and head to my next destination and sitting in a cold car to wait wasn’t an option I chose. I wasn’t there to shop or look for golden llamas, but what I kept finding were giraffes. Right in my downward moments of feeling like a failure for the week, it was just as if Mark J had sent avatars to look over me, as least that’s how it felt. Suddenly I felt comforted by remembering him saying “You’re okay just as you are” or something like that. I knew somehow that the events of the week that drove me back to the neurologist, meds and sleep weren’t the victors but just the challenges I must embrace. After all, didn’t I just share how circumstances, sometimes beyond my control, seemed to sabotage my best efforts and successes would be ripped out from under me? People with worse challenges than myself have met the mark. “I must get a bigger sword and some more arrows in my quill is all, “I thought. ” I am, after all, worth it.”
“AND MOST OF ALL I WILL LOVE MYSELF”
Yes. I am worth it. I will develop a relationship with my future self. I will grow to know her and love her and become her.
footnote: all quotes in caps from Og Mandino, “The Greatest Salesman in the World”
What in the %#!@#DMP happened?
Although I never recall seeing a single Green Triangle last week and was ever so glad that this week I could find a yellow square in my pile of sticky notes, was totally frustrated with the hours upon hours it’s taking me to meet the added technical requirements that seem to be stealing my joy that I had for the first 4 weeks, was hit by mental exhaustion and felt crazy trying to remember all of the abbreviated terminology ( would really like a key index for these) and which index card was called what, went bananas trying to move between sites and tasks and instructions, I can still rejoice knowing that the DMP has begun to manifest! But at the same time, why am I all of a sudden so freakin’ scared about it? I guess because so many times when I thought dreams were coming true…POOF! they disappeared as quickly as they began to arrive. Trials bigger than I could manage seemed to pull rugs out from under me, rules I chose to obey told me “NO…you may not do this! Stuff that dream back in your pipe!” Unexpected physical challenges beat me down. Thieves appeared out of nowhere! I got older, more tired, confused, unsure, numb….until I didn’t trust myself any more and lost my identity. Anyway, last week I faced a technical challenge trying to post my DMP . It kept disappearing so I retyped it. I tried to edit it…again lost! I retyped it again! and AGAIN and AGAIN! Well it paid off reading it and retyping it enough times so that Subby woke up and took a good look at it and I guess decided to put it to the test. During the next 24 hours, I got asked to sing with a group (after going AWOL from entertaining for well over a decade) so Recognition for Creative Expression showed up. Before that day was out, my daughter showed up to invite me on a hike that turned out challenging enough to get True Health kicked up a notch. We hiked up Tubbs Hill overlooking beautiful Lake Coeur d’ Alene in the chilly Fall Northwest rain. We got a bit lost and ended up on the most challenging of trails.(straight up!) But I made it! And it felt good! The following day, although I was nervous about singing, I did it…I connected, received compliments, and subsequently was approached by a band member to join an additional group. I was blown away about manifesting something so soon. I can say “this MKE stuff works!” Now to keep moving past my old sabotaging ways is today’s challenge while I endeavor to stay in the game and move forward!
This week I felt as if things were coming together, my daily habits are taking form. I’m not yet the slave to them that I need to be by any means, but I hear them calling me to take notice! They are like commanders in my mind, waiting like army colonels to see if my boots are shined or if the quarter will bounce off of the tightly fit sheet of the bunk….disciplining so that I can become the soldier fighting the raging war of slothfulness …I cannot escape nor do I want to. I salute them when they call! If at noon, I’m drowsy when it’s time to read, I pace the floor and read while I pace, my fingers scanning the words. I find touching the words helps me connect more. I use all of my senses. I play Starwars theme from Pandora as I read my DMP out loud! I feel triumphant when I do! Although today, I didn’t wake up with as much vigor, and doubt was circling like a vulture hoping for me to become road kill, my commanders stepped in, I listened, I read, I thought, I meditated. I didn’t freak at the glitch that occurred from submitting my DMP. (It’s just on a detour in cyberspace. )I brought gifts to those I met. I smiled more when I spoke on the phone and gave sincere compliments. I silently chanted “go Tribe.”Our tribe is truly a tribe! We’re connecting on Marco Polo we’re becoming one. I’m walking taller! I’m again listening to music! I’m awakening! I’m learning, growing, enjoying the journey! And it’s only just begun! March on with me Tribe! Giddy-up!
Before you read, note: I’m not trying in any way to get ethereal here, or mystical or anything else, but I had a strange experience that really seemed like it was my subby speaking through a dream to me. Well, after all, I did ask the question after the week 3 Webinar. I never thought, gee….should I do this? After all, I’m on a fixed disability income (that I’m trying to get off of). It doesn’t always get me through to the end of the month, and I owe medical bills, etc; Every emergency seems to put me further behind. If I have a financial need I have to sometimes sacrifice a few meals here and there. I never thought about not having enough money to pay it forward. On the contrary! As soon as I knew this could be a Pay It Forward, I looked through my budget and planned my first allotment to set aside before I even saw the first webinar of week 1. Instead of thinking, “where’s this going to come from?” my question to the Universe was , help me figure out how I am going to do this, and thank you. It was my last plea before I went to sleep. A few hours later , I had a dream that I saw a hungry red fox. Then I saw a silhouette of a baby black bear that morphed and began to grow antlers until it turned into a large full-grown moose. I awoke immediately, and MKE was on my mind. A thought entered that seemed to say, “this is the answer” Even though I was awake now, not in a hypnagogic state, I began to think about the images I saw. Later I fell asleep and again saw the same images again right before awakening, only this time after the moose appeared, I saw a golden apple presented before me. I couldn’t help but wondering what this dream meant. I couldn’t get clarification just by thinking, so I decided to google what the meanings were about dreaming of these animals, the metamorphosis, and then an apple. Not that I’m any sort of dream analysis specialist , but something seemed to nudge me to. The meaning behind the fox said it could be either a warning that a sly fox was going to either bring deception, or that a fox was symbolic of being cunning in approaching challenges in one’s life. I decided to stick with cunning and go from there, because I connected with that thought. I often let challenges overtake me and sabotage my outcomes, and haven’t been shrewd enough to face them victoriously. The baby bear was symbolic of a parent guarding and being nearby, but allowing the yearling cub the opportunity to explore on its own, and the moose totem said my strength is in knowing exactly who I am, and also could mean quote: ” pay close attention to the elders around you for they hold the wisdom of days gone by”. I really see the connection between this and MKE . In order to pay it forward, I am going to have to be cunning and use my ingenuity. But, as a young cub in the program, there are those looking over me. The elders before me…the guides…know exactly what I’m walking through, and when I begin to gain strength by finding exactly who I am, I too shall become able to guide others at some point. The apple? …I believe it is the golden apple of the Garden of Hesperides. In folklore there is a single tree on which golden apples grow, and it is guarded by Ladon, a hundred-headed dragon. The only way I will get my golden apple is to slay or trick that dragon. I have been signing my name after ‘I always keep my promises” with the signature: Bobbi Kuhn, DS. It does not stand for Doctor of Science, and obviously not “Dear son”. D S after my name is Dragon Slayer. I added it after Marks analogy of slaying the dragon within. So now I continue my story: my journey of working with cunning ingenuity as a cub under my guides, my elders, to become a self -assured strong and victorious forward thinking individual, alongside all of my fellow Hafids. Thanks to my fellow tribe members. Thanks to Mark, Davene, Dayna, my guiding light: Nancy O, and all who went before me to keep me strong on this journey to claim my golden apple from the Garden of Hesperides.
Bobbi Kuhn, DS
Although being technically challenged has stood in the way of my comprehension of even the best tutorials put out by the most dedicated of MKE staff, and my progress of meeting certain deadlines is not in any way satisfactory to myself (and most probably the staff who are awaiting my blog post and revised dmp), I feel myself entering, slowly, but entering all the same, a state of mindfulness.
I am aware of “MYSELF”…I mean “ME”. Just a glimpse of myself…like HELLO? Who’s this? Oh yeah, it’s me…the me I forgot about. The me that has been in “BLUE SERVITUDE” mode yet forgetting the rest of me for so long, that I have lost myself. It has been difficult to come up with a vision of my future for myself, so DMP has been more like DuMPed, until the umteenth time of sitting still for 15 minutes, the maximum attempt of envisioning that the clock has allowed, until here I am again…rushing my words onto my site….YET… outside, I see the colored leaves turning. Here in the NorthWest we have obvious season changes. I receive , from my beautiful world of colored leaves flying in the Autumn wind, a subtle reminder that it is time to shed the outer layers and root down deep, allow the season of change, allow the soon-to-come-winter stillness to come upon me. By Spring “I”, “ME” ,”MYSELF” , will be anxiously bursting forth with the living colors of Spring!
And by next post I will have figured out where the “about me” section of the blog is and how to navigate better to meet the blog criteria in entirety.
Week 1 = weak one
Week 2 should be more fun!